Whitney Houston....

Yesterday, the world wept as we celebrated the home going of the music icon, Whitney Houston. Today, as we struggle to come to terms with her untimely death, we also attempt to find meaning behind it. Millions of people, from various cultural, spiritual and socioeconomic backgrounds, were brought together by a common love for her music. Those same cultures, spiritual beliefs, and socioeconomic backgrounds have largely influenced the sense we’ve made of this.
From a Christian perspective, her death was all a part of God’s will for her life. We are thankful for the gifts and talents that He blessed her with. Even more so, we are grateful that she decided to share those gifts and talents with the world. Her peaks were decorated with more accomplishments than most artists will ever experience in their careers. Her valleys, doused with the struggles of addiction. Both her peaks and valleys were all tailored to her life and made to bring glory to the name of Jesus. One thing that I can infer from all the things that were posthumously said about Whitney is that she loved the Lord. No matter what she was struggling with or trying to let go of, she didn’t let that compromise her love for Jesus. There is something so powerful in knowing that.
From a worldly perspective, her death should have made people realize that death doesn’t escape anyone. It doesn’t matter how famous or wealthy you are. Often times, I think people have a misconception and even a false sense of security from death as a result of their status in life. More and more, it is becoming clear that this is not the case. None of us, rich or poor, are immortal and we all must meet death one day.
Others may have viewed her death as a direct result of the lifestyle we all assumed she lived. I know the initial response when everyone found out about her death, whether spoken or unspoken, was that she overdosed. Some may have even blamed the person who she chose to give her heart to for her demise. Life is definitely affected by the choices we make. It is imperative that we always remain cognizant of that fact.
No matter whose perspective is most accurate there are some very important truths that can be derived from her death. First and foremost, we need to stop taking life for granted and glorify God in everything that we do. Not a second, minute or hour is promised to us and we should act accordingly. Secondly, we need to make sure that we regularly express our love and appreciation for people while they are still living. Those of us who ignore text messages and phone calls when loved ones reach out to us need to realize that that may be the last chance you get to speak with them. You can’t assume that you’ll get a chance to speak to that person when you’re in the mood to talk—that chance may never come. Finally, we need to utilize our gifts and talents by sharing them with the world. They are to be used to lift up His name and to help other people. After all, that is why God gave them to us and that is the very reason He is allowing us to breathe another breath.

Love...

Everything in me wants to cry
But I can't
I've shed so many tears
About the same ol' thang
It makes no sense
I shouldn't feel this way
When it's supposed to be love
Maybe it's meant to hurt a little
So that I know it's true
Maybe it's supposed to burn a little
So that I know it's real
Maybe I'm supposed to doubt a little
So that I know it's for sure
Maybe it's not love at all
Because I know...
Love is pure

Love...

At the end of the day, all we really need is someone to love us because of who we truly are. Not someone who loves us because of the allure that they have perceived us to be. Someone who accepts and understands our faults, insecurities, and the human nature that defines us. We all need someone who we can connect with beneath the surface, beyond all the niceties and politeness. Someone who we can share our inner thoughts, deepest secrets, and biggest fuck ups with. We also need that special someone to reciprocate all of these things and feel comfortable while doing it because we've cultivated such a relationship. We all need someone to stimulate our minds and keep us intrigued mentally, as this will only enhance the physical aspect of things. We all need someone that we can talk to about anything without being judged, while also being able to sit and talk about nothing and feel completely comfortable. We all want someone to always consider our needs, as well as, some of our wants, and do it selflessly. It would also be ideal to share the intimacy and complete familiarity that you share with your closest friends with your mate. You should be best friends with your mate. I often wonder though if relationships like this should happen naturally or if it might possibly have to be cultivated...

Unequally Yoked

The other day, a friend posed the question: “Is it reasonable or even realistic to require things of a potential mate that you don't possess yourself?” Often times people, mainly women, have a laundry list of requirements that they want their future mate to possess. The irony is that some of the prerequisites are things that they themselves haven't attained yet. For example, there are many women who want a man who has a successful career, financial stability, and good credit. They also wouldn't mind if he was easy on the eyes, a perfect gentleman and knew exactly how to make them feel like a woman. Some of these same women are unemployed, have no form of higher education and their credit isn't something that they'd feel comfortable broadcasting. My friend who posed the initial question would say that these women don't deserve and aren't entitled to the type of man that they desire. His rationale is that if you're driving a Honda civic you can't really demand that your future mate drive a Benz. If you have $100 dollars in the bank you shouldn't feel like a man has to have at least $20,000 in his savings account to court you. If you're credit score is a 530, you can't require that potential suitors have at least a 720. I completely understand his perspective and I agree with some of his points. I also don't think there's anything wrong with wanting someone who is a bit more established than you in certain aspects. If your credit is poor and you end up dating someone with good credit, perhaps they can teach you how to boost your score. If you're enrolled in college and you begin dating someone who already has a degree, they could be that motivating factor that drives you to complete your program of study. If you don't have much money in the bank due to poor spending habits and your mate has a nice nest egg due to the exact opposite, they can assist you in disciplining yourself when it comes to saving and spending. In my friend's defense, I do feel like there are stipulations to this. I don't believe that it is wise to enter into a relationship where you and your mate are unequally yoked. If you're working at Zaxby's, chances are you're not going to attract a man whose livelihood is commercial real estate. It is unlikely that someone with a middle school education will engage a college educated person in a relationship. There should definitely be some type of balance in the relationship to ensure that there is growth, reciprocity and mental and spiritual stimulation. I feel like in a relationship, you both should be on the same level in some areas, not all. Dating someone who has exactly the same accomplishments and accolades as you will aide in the growth of your union as a whole, but it's not a necessity. You may just be what that other person needs to provide what their lacking or to at least help them attain it. Your mate is supposed to compliment you not complete you. After all, solid relationships are created and thrive when two complete people come together as one.

Karma

The "say sayers" say that the same way you acquired a relationship, is the same way you will relinquish it. If you were in a relationship while starting another one then chances are you'll be dropping your current mate for the next best thing that comes along. More than likely, if you obtained your better half while they were emotionally obligated to someone else then someone will eventually entice them enough to leave you. If you started a relationship based on physical appearance, as soon as the looks fade you're on to the next piece of eye candy. If you entered into a relationship with someone based on their financial status, then you'll be gone as soon as the money runs out. I could go on and on, but I'm sure by now you see where I'm going with this! I truly believe in karma, but I don't know that I believe it happens so succinctly. Just because you started a relationship with someone while they were on the tail end of another relationship, it doesn't mean they will leave you for someone else once you get together. Hell, it could've been meant for you to be with that person all along. They could be your "soul mate", if you believe in such a thing. There's no such thing as coincidence, so everyone who enters your life is there for a reason. Every relationship that you engage in is predestined by fate. Now the person or situation may not endure for the long haul but there is definitely something to be learned. We all must reap the harvest from the seeds we sow but that doesn't mean that whatever energy we put out into the universe will boomerang back at us in the exact same way. I think it could be as simple as, you cheated in your last relationship and now you just can't seem to start another worthwhile relationship. Or you may have courted someone while they were involved in another relationship and once you had an honest chance at being with them you realize you changed your mind. You were just caught up in the allure of pursuing the unavailable, not wanting to be with them exclusively after all. Now, I'm not saying to go out and do things without moral or emotional regard for others. I am saying to fully experience the experience and by all means, get the lesson! Regardless of if we want to admit it, we have all had a crush or desire to be with someone that was forbidden or not quite right, whether we pursued it or not. And if you did dare to pursue it, I'm sure it was hard for your heart to follow suit when your mind told you to end it. Sometimes in life we follow our hearts into some rather unconventional relationships, no matter how right or wrong they are. I think it's vital that we fully experience those relationships with the knowledge that there's a purpose for it in our lives at that time. Ultimately, there's a lesson to be learned and a blessing to be gained from every relationship, despite the way it began.

What is the Speed Limit on Love?

On our way back home from the neighborhood diner, a friend and I debated how fast is too fast and how slow is too slow when working towards a committed relationship. How soon is too soon for a man to proclaim that he wants to date a woman exclusively? Two weeks into meeting someone is definitely too soon to commit to exclusivity, isn't it? How long is too long to give your all to a man before he feels compelled to make it official? Certainly a year and a half of "dating" or "kicking it" is a bit too long to wait to finally decide you want to make the relationship official, isn't it? Well, this has proven to be relative to the individuals involved in the "arrangements" or "courtships". Some people jump head first into relationships, learning their partners as they go. Others utilize the strategy of waiting their partner out, consistently observing to see if they change or have been leading with their "representative" instead of their true self. Stacey and Andrea dated for about two years on and off before they realized that it just wasn't meant to be. Within the first two weeks of knowing each other, Stacey treated Andrea to a weekend escape in Miami. Stacey was the perfect gentleman, reserving a suite with two bedrooms instead of one. This was a sincere effort to ensure that Andrea felt completely comfortable and it definitely worked. To top it off, Stacey didn't even attempt to seduce Andrea at any point during the trip. Just three short weeks after their initial Miami escape, Stacey helped Andrea celebrate her 28th birthday by surprising her with another weekend getaway. He took her to an exclusive resort attached to one of the finest, luxury malls in Tampa, Florida. Stacey was definitely succeeding in sweeping Andrea off her feet; however, there was a question that lingered in the back of Andrea's mind. She tried to disregard the question but it continued to permeate her thoughts. True to form, Andrea's newly discovered prince charming took her on a spring break rendezvous to Puerto Rico a month after her birthday trip. Considering that this was their third trip since they met two months prior, the question lurking in the back of Andrea's mind was finally verbalized: Are we moving too fast? Naturally, Andrea was floating on "cloud 9" as a result of Stacey's attempt to impressively gain her heart. In just two short months he had done what a lot of men don't do for their girlfriends or wives in a lifetime. In addition to the spontaneous vacations, Stacey showered Andrea with beautiful gifts. For her birthday, he laced her with the Louis Vuitton Damier, Speedy 30 handbag with the matching wallet. On any given day of the week it was likely for Andrea to be surprised at work by flowers. Not an assumed bouquet of roses, but Calla Lilies and Birds of Paradise, to name a few. Stacey was aiming at the jugular when it came to love and he would stop at nothing less than Andrea's heart. He also furnished her home with flat screen televisions for every room, all during a 60 day period. Further supporting her doubts of moving too fast, Andrea and Stacey moved in together during month four of them knowing each other. Although they enjoyed a peaceful coexistence most of the time, the relationship wasn't solid enough to endure. Initially being blinded by the allure of a relationship, they later realized that they really didn't have an innate desire to be together. Truth be told, they didn't like each other that much after further inspection. Perhaps if they would have spent more time getting to know one another instead of indulging in surface level attraction, then their relationship could have grown into something much more genuine and stable. When Taylor and Andre’ initially met, they had both just ended long term relationships. Needless to say, intentions and expectations were minimal in the beginning. Neither of them was seeking permanent commitment, at the time at least, so they started off as just being friends. They would hang out at local bars, restaurants and clubs like two "homeboys", eliminating any preconceived pressure and ultimately becoming true friends in the process. As nature would have it, the attraction came along shortly thereafter. Taylor and Andre' began spending more time together and eventually they crossed over into a gray area of their friendship by becoming intimate. In an attempt to not complicate things, they both continued with the "I don't want a relationship" facade. This worked out perfectly for Andre', because although his feelings had grown tremendously for Taylor, he wasn't ready to even entertain the thought of settling down. His lack of desire to commit wasn't exclusive to Taylor; he just wasn't ready to be held accountable for anyone's feelings on that level. Taylor followed Andre's lead, secretly knowing that she wanted more. Since Taylor was much more sensitive to a man's perception of commitment and relationships, she continued to be Andre's friend without expressing how she truly felt inside. Taylor was beyond wanting to take their friendship to the next level, she was ready for Andre' to make her his first priority. However, she didn't want to pressure him or make him feel like their relationship had to change in any way as a result of her professing her desire for more. As they proceeded in their relationship, the bond deepened and Taylor's need for commitment silently grew. Now, two years have passed and Taylor and Andre' are still in the "homie-lover-friend" zone with no clear sign of the final destination being a relationship. To the outsider, they would appear to be a happy couple. From the inside, however, it's a different story. Taylor has expressed her desire to work towards a relationship, unlike before when she kept it concealed. Andre' has expressed the fact that he loves Taylor and the current state of their friendship, although still not ready for an exclusive relationship. This situation is definitely a "catch 22", it will ultimately end with Taylor becoming fed up with waiting or Andre' realizing that he wants what he's been avoiding all this time, a committed and exclusive relationship. To some, Stacey and Andrea may have moved way too fast for their liking. Meeting and moving in together within four months of knowing each other can appear excessively premature to most. There was no time to truly get to know each other, without allowing outside factors to play too much of a roll in the formation of the relationship. Others may debate that Stacey and Andrea wouldn't have worked out no matter how much time they worked on the relationship. In Taylor and Andre's case, I am going to assume that most would agree that they have known each other well over the "imaginary" allotted amount of time to decide if they want to move forward. Some may even argue that Taylor and Andre' have had what it takes for a solid relationship since their first spark of attraction. Certainly love has no minimum or maximum speed limit. The speed of your arrangements, courtships and relationships are ultimately for you and your partner to decide. If it feels right from day one, go for it! And in the same token, if your "third eye" is telling you to take your time and feel the situation out as long as needed, then follow your instincts!

Single Black Female

A friend of mine posted a Facebook status the other day that provoked much thought and reflection into my life, as well as, the lives of some of my friends. The status read: “Why are there so many successful, single black women? Please elaborate…” Naturally, since opinions are like butt holes, everyone had one on the topic. There were a plethora of reasons given by the black female Facebookers and a few reasons provided by the males. As a (previously) single black female in the city of Atlanta, I can formulate a laundry list of reasons why a beautiful, successful sister would be single in this day and age. First off, there aren't enough black males for every black female on the planet. That is our very first disadvantage. That being said, the playing field is ridiculously unleveled, in favor of the men. Guess this would be the opportune time to start dating outside of our race ladies, if you aren't already doing so. Secondly, there are a large amount of black males that are gay and simply not interested in women at all. Then you have the brothers that are confused or in denial about their sexuality, hence, the "down low" brother. With all of the non-existent and unavailable men eliminated, we're left with a very small selection of men for a massive amount of women. That leads us to our next dilemma, the epidemic of sharing men. With such a wide variety of women available to the eligible bachelors it puts us women at a vast disadvantage. Men can have their "pick of the litter" so to speak, often juggling multiple women at a time, and attempting to take full advantage of our disadvantage. I won't put all the blame on the men, however, because there are many women willing to actively participate in the sharing of a man. Some women feel that a piece of man is better than not having a man at all. Also, some women don't feel the need for an emotional connection so using a man for physical purposes only lends itself to inclusivity. This creates a culture of men who don't feel the need to settle down, because they aren't being asked to do so by the women in their lives. So now we're left with an even smaller selection of eligible bachelors. Sifting through them can be much like going through the clearance rack at Marshalls or TJ Maxx. You have to look very carefully to make sure you don't miss any stains, rips or malfunctions that could cause damage later on. The gift of discernment and the ability to see through flagrancy definitely comes in handy here. It is my belief that when you initially make the acquaintance of someone new, you are meeting their representative. You don't actually meet the real person until further into the relationship. Finding out that the person you fell in love with is someone totally different than who you believed them to be can be a definite deal breaker. Music, media and culture have a major impact on the whole "group think" syndrome and pressure of living up to a certain allure or standard. Considering men have large egos, they are more likely to put on a false image of status, wealth and power to attract women. This is the result of low self-esteem, external pressure and also an attempt to disguise a lack of substance within. Unfortunately, this is the situation that many women find themselves in, only after becoming deeply involved with a man. Now the decision has to be made to continue the relationship, ultimately settling, or end the relationship and return to being another single black female. I will play devil's advocate for a second and say that many women don't know what the hell they want. Better stated, they know what they want, but often it's not what they need. Many of us want the reformed bad boy or brother with swagger, when what we really need is the gentleman who is going to treat and make us feel like a woman. Some women want the man who doesn't call for days instead of the man who will check in daily to make sure they're okay. Some even want the man who only has time for them once in a while instead of the man who wants to wine, dine and spend quality time. Then there are the women who prefer to spend their time catering to a man that never caters to them. I could go on for days as to why there are so many single black females but that would be pointless. The reasons are endless, all encompassing and relative to the individual. Certainly, if we asked one hundred single women why they are single we would get one hundred different answers. The fact is being a single black female has become a widespread epidemic, with no signs of a cure. This is just another harsh reality of the generation and culture that we currently claim as our own.